Friday, February 4, 2011

5-Hour Cocaine, more like it

Yesterday I decided to be brave, jump on the sheep bandwagon, and try 5-Hour Energy.  Normally I resist the mob mentality when hearing super-hyped products such as this, but, seeing as how I sometimes suffer with debilitating fatigue from my Fibromyalgia and Systemic Lupus, I tossed caution and five bucks to the wind, and leapt.

I had no idea what to expect, but was not heartened merely by reading the myriad of warnings printed on the label.  These are meant to be an enticement?  Is this really a successful marketing ploy?

Let's break them down, shall we?

The first disclaimer is this: 

Contains caffeine comparable to the leading premium coffee.

Hmmn.  The first acerbic witticism that comes to mind is, then why hasn't Starbucks jumped on this bit of street-smart savvy promotion and pegged their morning cup for what it really is:  Jet fuel?

Moving on.

Limit caffeine products to avoid nervousness, sleeplessness, and occasional rapid heartbeat.

And?  I think the American buying public has been more than aware of these side-effects since we began drinking coffee in our sipper cups as an aperitif for the strained peas and smooshed apricots.

You may experience a Niacin flush (hot feeling, skin redness), that lasts a few minutes.  This is caused by increased blood flow near the skin.

Oh really.  Trust me when I say females in their mid-forties to late-fifties have been experiencing this feeling since women first blew a Saint Bernard out their ass and deigned call it childbirth:  It's called MEN-O-PAUSE, and trust me when I say we will go to ANY lengths available, including some that are illegal, to avoid the modern, less clinical term for this:  Hot flashes.  Why the Living Essentials Company decided this would be the best possible way to market their product is beyond me, and every other peri- and menopausal woman I know.  Perhaps a better idea would've been if they had decided to include a personal fan within the packaging. 

Or some estrogen on a stick.

But, be that as it may, I was so completely exhausted from merely getting out of bed and needing some focus to write, that I decided with much trepidation and cursing, to down the entire bottle (another small statement says you can take only half the bottle if needed).

Now.  I've always considered myself to be a pretty trusting person, so when the label is marketed as being "GRAPE FLAVOURED", then hell:  Call me old-fashioned, but that's what I think the product should taste like.

But instead of a scrumptious hint of berry, I became nostalgic for the time when I had the flu for three days and kept tasting the bile from my fourteen-hour ordeal of projectile vomiting.  I think I've tasted piss that had me gagging less.

But, after getting past the bitter taste, I'm very glad to say that I didn't notice when the product finally kicked in.  Nor did I suffer the onslaught of a "Niacin Flush", and believe you me I was ready:  I had the air-conditioner cranked down to 52 (we're currently enjoying 23-degree winter weather), two fans, and I'd just shaved my armpits so as to clear the way.

But, nothing.

Twenty-minutes later after I'd gotten dressed and was sitting at the computer, already involved in paragraph one of whatever I was penning, I noticed that I had more energy, wasn't feeling jittery, and was able to concentrate for at least another paragraph.  The product's effects were very non-intrusive, and hopefully I wasn't the anomaly in not experiencing those heinous list of symptoms.

Two days later and I'm still cheery.  Was feeling so good last night that I saw absolutely no need to even sleep, so I sat up all night and made gum-wrapper necklaces, while cleaning the garage and doing a re-write on my entire thirty-five chapters of my new novel in one sitting.

So, honestly, I have no idea just what they were on about with their "scary" symptoms. 

But I can't wait to buy more.


  1. I have to say, I had no idea what to expect, Carla, but I want to thank you for a bit of truly enjoyable humor to end my day.

  2. You're welcome. Glad you liked it.

  3. Funny as heck. My wife used this once before and said it was awful. I won't even drink coffee. I have no idea what it would do to me. But I bought my wife an espresso maker. I love how you did the end.

    Thank you for the laugh,

  4. And thank-you for the comment, Draven. I drink *maybe* a cup of coffee twice or three times a week, so I wasn't sure what to expect. And unless they change the flavour to chocolate, don't think I'll be using it again anytime soon.